FOREWORD

Thank you for your enquiry. May I take I take this opportunity to cause you the grossest offence possible. No Jeremy Clarkson has no part in our operation, but then again, neither do the offspring of mother earth. (We have learnt from bitter experience).

You see we have all sorts of problems servicing holiday accommodation at something like six hundred miles distance. We have standards to reach and maintain. The vast majority of problems are small, usually very small. Frequently they amount to no more than a nuisance, commonly about five years old. Usually the smaller the problem, the greater the problem. If the roof blows away, heaven forbid, its likely someone will notice and let us know. I can make a phone call or two and turn the troops out. It’s obvious. It’s noticed. It’s fixed. 

See Elsewhere.

The small things go un-reported, maybe even unnoticed. Like the little knob that rings that delightful little bell on the timer on the cooker. I struggled with that one for weeks. Seems precious played with it all week, until it was removed. Unfortunately, the only way then to set the clock, was to wait all day with the electricity off, until the right moment to switch on again. It came to a head when someone discovered the same knob was fitted to the manual/auto knob and left the cooker "hors service". Then we had the plonker who rotated the oven control against the end stop, with some considerable force. This left the oven temperature about 60degrees out of any sense of calibration, resulting in a near fire and several broken plates. 

The loungers are there for your enjoyment. They cost pennies short of £200 each. They are not there to be turned upside down and dragged around on the concrete paving or used for a wild west shoot out.

Unfortunately, it is increasingly the fashion to get absolutely blasted, totally disregarding the children running amok. Indeed, passive drinking and induced behavioral modification might explain a lot. But it’s OK, ~ it’s your holiday. Read in a Neil Morrisey voice.

Perhaps you permit your children to do pretty much as they like. Perhaps they are encouraged to express themselves. Perhaps they are even encouraged to develop themselves. In which case, perhaps they would prefer to do the aforementioned and holiday elsewhere, ‘cos if yours behave like this, or if you don’t disapprove of this sort of behavior or even contemplate ~~~~ then by now, you have probably already taken the aforementioned offence in which case, object served. 

I watched the other day as two smartly dressed young girls with buggies ruined lunch for everyone else in our favorite bistro. Their two babies were permitted to scream......their discomfort obvious to all, whilst the two mums indulged themselves totally oblivious to the nuisance they were causing others. Overheard ...'oooh you can almost hear him squeeze it out'. More information than I need, particularly whilst eating, but it left me grappling with the spectre of this sort of mum in our house....nightmares since and now receiving counseling.  Victor Meldrew's got nothing on me.

So, if on the other hand you discourage yours from answering the telephone, far less permitting them to rage at the stranger who has the temerity to ask to speak to mummy or daddy, that is before slamming the phone down, then you’re probably still with us. Be that the case, it would be our pleasure to offer to you our warmest welcome.

In case you wonder what I am burbling on about, we have recently had a let or two that appear to have abandoned all sense of responsibility and parental control. Maybe they just left it at home. Furthermore, the same lets seemed not to appreciate that they could reasonably be expected to do some cleaning for themselves. Our housekeeper is not there to do the dishes at the end of the week.

Most recently, the one week let. In common with many Chez Nous advertisers, we are reluctant to get into one week lets before Christmas. Whilst it is absolutely true that this has something to do with 'orphan' weeks that result, its also something to do with a handful of scruffy individuals who seem to be able to get by for a week without making any attempt at cleaning. They can just about get by before their time is up. They couldn't do two weeks as they would have to do something about it. Not even put the bins out, just dumped the excess beside the bin; bottles and the like piled up. Even had one party who legged it pronto, junior having piddled on the mattress. Absolutely beyond belief.

I make no apology for writing this; I'm sure you will understand. I sincerely hope the parties responsible read this and get REALLY UPSET.....As if we didn't.

WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU LIVE!!! 

We offer what we consider to be a very comfortable holiday, in a prime location, in one of the nicest parts of France. We set out to provide and maintain accommodation to the highest standard, equipped apart from a dishwasher that is, to meet your every need. My command of the French language won’t stretch to fixing dishwashers over the phone.

Finally, for those of you new to the concept of self drive/cater in France, and with apologies to our friend Shelly for plagiarism, may we offer the following advice. 

"It is important to remember that French drivers do not drive on the right - they drive down the middle, especially on bends with no visibility whatever! The French rule that gave priority to traffic from the right has been abolished, but beware - this means that all traffic assumes priority and drives accordingly."

Also, on a general note, Brittany Ferries include the following advice in their Holiday Homes brochure. 

"A large number of properties offer the use of bicycles, barbecues, or games and equipment such as table tennis or boules, and these are mentioned in the description. However, bikes can take a bashing during a summer, tennis balls get chewed up, and even barbecues can collapse due to heavy use! So if your holiday happiness depends on a bicycle or a barbecue, it is wiser to take your own. Gardens are unlikely to be carefully tended unless the owner is  a full time resident - be prepared for shaggy grass and rampaging vines."

We do try our very best but I think the sentiment of their advice is worth bearing in mind. The bikes got past it. What grass there is gets a good seeing to early in the season and it doesn't usually begin to recover till October. We usually have a selection of barbecues as the old one is never too far gone. Besides, a gleaming new barbecue staring at you defying you to use it, usually means the old one gets used, and therefore not cleaned. The prophecy fulfills itself. 

Otherwise, we do our absolute to ensure that you have a comfortable, relaxing and enjoyable holiday.